ADHD And The Holiday Spirit

Strike that...

ADHD & The Holiday "Attitude!"

No matter what has happened this year, or in previous years, most of us look forward to the holiday season. People travel to be with family, and there is a great deal of emphasis (perhaps even pressure) to make the holidays full of joy and happiness.

Having never been a huge fan of holidays, my wife taught that Christmas to her family is more about getting together and enjoying each other's company, than it is anything else. You see, my immediate family does nothing but argue, criticize, and ridicule each other about the lives we lead, the choices we make, and most of all how are children behave. So it's with great reservation that I look forward to holidays.

Joy And Happiness

Despite the pressure to make things "perfect," the holidays inevitably soon become about stress and frustration. I have tried otherwise, and it just never seems to make a difference. There is always something that is said or taken too literally or too offensively, despite the unintended nature.

But what really does it for me is when someone has a comment about my child... Or when someone questions my authority as the parent of my child... Or when someone makes "suggestions" about how I raise my children or talk to them...

Does this sound familiar?

No one is perfect! And I am willing to bet that suggestions are meant with the best intentions, but sadly the delivery is always lacking.

That Holiday Attitude...

While the holidays are meant to be full of joy and peace, many parents struggle with the constant criticism and overbearing attitude that sometimes accompanies family gatherings. Whether it is your parents, a sibling, cousin, or friend, it never seems to get overlooked.

Someone... Somewhere... Sometime...

...has something to say about how your child is behaving, carrying on, or perhaps about how the choices you make.

I have noticed that it is the worst when we as parents are bombarded with comments, critiques, or recommendations that something must be wrong with our child.

Suddenly the holidays have become not about peace and togetherness, but about our overwhelming belief that we want to hear opinions... We want to be criticized, and we want to be questioned about everything we do.

I'm NOT quite certain where some people get this belief - but it happens (all too much).

When you have a child with ADHD, the last thing you need is grief during your brief time off or your time away from work. Instead...you end up with attitude and often times turn out to be the ingrate of the family!

Starting To Understand ADHD

What Should Happen!

Wouldn't it be great if when someone says to you, "You're child needs to be evaluated for ADHD," that instead of just dumping it in your lap - someone actually told you what that meant and what it entailed?

You deserve:

• Specific information
• Detailed behaviors
• Explicit (and implicit) concerns
• Examples of situations
• Support and care
• Team approach
• Positive outlook
• Successful strategies that work
  

ADHD

To many people, ADHD is dropped in their lap as if it is a curse or burden on people around them. Unfortunately, like so many things in life - we don't understand or tolerate what is different. We have no patience - nor is it built into our lives to have patience for what is not "normal..."

The truth is - ADHD requires nothing more than an adjustment in how we view the world and in how we go about our daily routine. It requires patience, understanding, support, love, and care!

If we approach ADHD or any other behavioral problem or concern with these factors, just imagine how different people might treat one another.

It's true!

Evaluation Process:

Between the time you are told "You're child must have ADHD," and the time you have an evaluation - the focus should really be spent on what is going on.

• What behaviors do you see?
• What behaviors do others see?
• When do they happen?
• Do they only happen in one setting?
• Or do they only happen at certain times?
  
• Has anything happened recently that could be a triggering event?
• Who else has observed these changes?
• Have they noticed anything different?
• Has anything happened to any of their friends?

This is just a little sampling of the questions you need to know to ask, before you can start understanding what is going on.

Stay tuned for Part II...

There is just too much information to share, so this will be continued next week.

ADHD Evaluation - What Steps Do You Take?

What Typically Happens...

Talk about a difficult, and often times frustrating experience. Here is a situation where people are telling you that your child has "behavioral problems," and needs to be evaluated for ADHD, yet so many questions follow:

• Where do you start?
• Who do you see?
• Who do you reach out to for help?
• How do you know you are getting a qualified expert?
• What type of information are you going to find out?
• How much time will you get with a psychiatrist?
• Does your child need therapy in addition to medication (if you choose that)?
• Who takes your insurance?
• What if it's not ADHD? (Do you even think that's possible)?

Talk about an overwhelming experience! And the questions above don't even consider all the thoughts racing through your head if you are a single parent, or if you are struggling financially, or are not aware of the alternatives.

How do you start, and where do you begin?

Two common approaches:

1. Call your physician - who recommends someone.
2. School professional makes a referral to a local clinic or office.

While referrals are important - how do you know who you are seeing? What arrangements have people made? How qualified is the person you are seeing?

Let's be honest, we trust qualified professionals without considering the answers to our questions. And we quite possibly trust these professionals without even wondering who we are seeing - or what their experience is.

A third option:

Many people also call their insurance companies first - looking for help.

Are you overwhelmed yet?

I sure am from thinking about this process!

Just consider the steps involved with this process, and you have not even seen anyone yet. You still don't know what's going on.

And now you are informed that it will be at least 6-8 weeks before there is an opening to meet with a child psychiatrist... But, your child's pediatrician might offer to see him or her in the meantime and offer to do a brief evaluation and prescribe some medications.

Lesson here - there is a process within this system.

Both medical and mental health professionals are accustomed to doing things a certain way. There is paperwork to be filled out, certain criteria to be met, and common diagnoses and medications to be given.

The worst part of all this - what do you do in the meantime?

How do you get your sanity back and know what is going on for sure?

What Makes You Think It's ADHD?

Here's what should happen:

People should care and demonstrate concern! People should ask questions, and provide support, rather than blame and point the finger.

Earlier this week, I wrote a little bit about how some parents face the oftentimes overwhelming flood of, "Your child must have ADHD" comments.

Parents hear it from teachers...from coaches...from family members...and even from friends.

But what makes everyone so qualified?

And what's even worse - is that in many cases, there is very little subtly or tact.

Instead, people have become so busy, so opinionated, that we just shove things down one anothers throats.

Well, I want to know what happened to compassion, support, and understanding?

It's what you deserve...

And that's the approach people should try.

Instead of blame - let's inquire.
Instead of pointing the finger - let's explore.
Instead of jumping to conclusions - let's examine life.

Everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. Everyone deserves a little compassion and understanding, particularly when it comes to their children.

ADHD Gets Serious!

Pointing out that someone has ADHD, rather than expressing concern, makes a great number of assumptions... This is particularly true when it comes from someone who is either not qualified, not trained, or simply not asking the right questions.

And that's the key - let's spend more time asking the right questions.

Let's spend more time trying to understand the circumstances, and what might be going on - rather than the needless (and endless) pursuit of trying to label our children.

Next week - we'll talk about "Looking For Help."

ADHD Rears It's Ugly Head

Here's What Typically Happens:

The circumstances leading up are always different. It can be a fight at school - talking back to a teacher, grades slipping, loss of interest, increased "uneasiness," or a whole variety of problematic behavior or results.

But you know what?

The results are typically same.

It doesn't matter who it comes from first - but once it starts - you'll soon hear it from everyone. It begins with a shy whispher and quickly generates a radical buzz and a cave-in of calls and complaints.

"You're child must have ADHD!"

Or perhaps you get it straight this way:

"What are you going to do about this child?"

Or, maybe this:

"You had better get your child evaluated..."

Without warning (although there are usually signs) - your life will become invaded by suggestions that your child is suffering from ADHD, or perhaps some other type of behavioral disorder.

Everyone will help point the finger - but only a few will have the immediate, constructive support you so badly need.

Those of you with family or a spouse, at least have one another to juggle the responsibility of taking this on.

But - even then it doesn't matter if your lives are in disarray or disrepair - the stress that has invaded your lives is unwelcome, unwanted, and without warning about to change everything.

Even the most stable of family units can be torn apart by this onslaught and almost finger pointing reaction from everyone around you.

It's not necessarily meant to come across this way, but it does, and it hurts.

Later this week - we'll talk about how people really should approach you, and what you can do to better handle everyone who has such strong opinions!

Until then - hang in there!

Change In Format

What Typically Happens Vs. What Really Should Happen:

For a little while now I have been trying to think about how I can deliver more value to my readers - to you... To give you more of what you are looking for - more of what I think would be helpful to you.

Then it dawned on me...

There are tons of people who write about ADHD, and a handful of very qualified experts and professionals who also write or blog about ADHD.

Then there are those people who are less qualified - people I refer to as "anyone with an opinion" - who also blog about ADHD.

And that's what you might typically find when you or your child see a therapist, counselor, or psychiatrist.

• Qualified professionals who have a fundamental knowledge and understanding of ADHD and therapy
• Experts who are intimately familiar with ADHD - and who have devoted their careers to understanding ADHD
• Unqualified people with opinions...
• Therapists who focus on providing real world solutions
• Therapists who focus on the big picture

Among all these people mentioned here, what separates one from the other is the impact they have upon their clients.

And that's what it is all about...

While working as a therapist, I saw parents, children, couples, and families all who struggled with or were affected by ADHD.

And in my work - rather than focus on symptoms and behaviors - I try to focus on what is really happening in life.

Bottom Line:

In the following series of blog posts, I will be writing each and every Monday and Friday (to the best of my ability...).

On Monday - I will focus on "What Typically Happens..."

And on Friday - I will focus on "What Really Should Happen..."

At least that's the plan.

So if you have questions, comments, or feedback - you can e-mail me or you can leave comments to the blog,

ADHD: Conspiracy Theories Or Fact Of Life?

There are many people out there - sending various different messages about ADHD:

• Strength - Gift
• Natural Cures And Remedies
• Pharmaceutical Company Agenda
• Psychiatry Is Evil
• Brain Based Disorder
• Behavioral Disorder
• Misdiagnosis
• Label / Statistic

Which one are you following the most?

Me? I don't believe in black and white - nothing is that simple.

The world we live in exists in shades of grey...

Everything falls on a spectrum - somewhere in the middle.

Regardless of what you believe about ADHD - it is very much real. You can choose to fight it, choose to ignore it, or simply choose to learn the game and play the best you can.

Some truths:

• Medication is typically the first recommendation for treating ADHD
• Pharmaceutical companies heavily recruit and market to medical doctors
• Medical disorders are typically treated with medication.

Truth #1 - ADHD or Not

Regardless of whether you, your child, or a loved one really has ADHD - there is ALWAYS something else happening.

There are always problems at home or problems at school or problems with self-esteem, self-worth, and self-representation or problems with society - not fitting in - not having enough - not feeling loved.

I could ramble on and on about all the other things that can contribute to - reinforce - and even mimic ADHD symptoms.

My message to you, as always:

What does your gut tell you?

Is it ADHD alone? Is it some other behavioral / medical / mental health disorder?

Or could it just be as simple as something right in front of our eyes that we are too emotionally attached to or close to - to see?

What else could be going on that makes everything else think it's ADHD?